do you know baseball players are rich?
2. What did Zero say to Eight?
3. Why don't elephants like to go to
4. What kind of soda do trees drink?
5. Where do chickens go on vacation?
6. What did the baseball glove say to
7. What did the paper say to the pencil?
8. Why did the light bulb fail his math
9. Why did the boy eat his homework?
10. How do you make one disappear?
11. Where do kids learn the ABCs?
12. If two balls of string ran a race,
which one would win?
13. What did the librarian say to the noisy
14. How do bees get to school?
15. What kind of pictures do sailors paint?
16. Have you heard the one about the jumprope?
17. Where do crayons go on vacation?
18. Why did the clock get sent to the
19. Why did the baseball player shut down
20. Where does a sheep put his books?
21. Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
22. What did the light bulb say when it
was turned off?
23. What kind of house weighs the least?
24. What happened when the students tied
their shoelaces together?
25. What did the pen say to the paper?
26. What is a lion's favorite thing to
study in history?
27. Why aren't elephants allowed at the
28. What did the policeman say to the popsicle?
29. Why did the rabbit's teachers go on
30. Why did the tree fail his math test?
31. Why did the bald man put a rabbit on
32. What do a pencil and a joke have in
33. What do you get when you cross two
chickens and a brown cow?
34. What did one math book say to the other
35. Why is 6 afraid of 7?
36. What do you get if you divide the
circumference of a jack-o-lantern
37. What did the shark eat with the peanut
38. What are caterpillars afraid of?
39. Where did the farmer take his pigs
on a sunny Sunday afternoon?
40. Why did the baseball player bring
rope to the game?
41. Why should you never tell secrets
in a cornfield?
42. Do you know why bees buzz and hum
43. Do you know how to catch a unique rabbit? How do you catch a tame rabbit?
44. What did the shrimp say when the lobster
stole his food?
45. What did one strawberry say to the
46. Why is a dog so hot in the summer?
47. What do you call a
fish with two knees?
48. Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great
49. Why was the inchworm angry?
50. Why did the flute break
up with the harp?
51. What happens to an air
conditioner when you pull its plug?
52. Why isn’t your nose
twelve inches long?
53. Did you hear the joke about
54. What did the girl cantaloupe
say to the boy cantaloupe?
55. What do you call cheese
that is not yours?
56. What did Mama Tomato tell Baby Tomato
when he was walking too slow?
57. What did the sushi
say to the bee?
58. Why didn't the teddy bear
eat his dinner?
59. What do you call a cow
that can't give milk?
60. How do you fix a broken
61. What do you call a couple
62. What’s the name of the vampire
who lives in your kitchen?
63. What did Ernie say when Bert asked
him if he wanted ice cream?
64. Why did the baby cookie cry?
65. What did one plate say to the other?
66. Why did the orange stop in the middle
of the road?
67. What’s the difference between
a teacher and a train?
68. What did the lipstick say to the teacher
when she got a bad grade?
69. Where did the belly dancer go to college?
70. What do you get when you cross a teacher
with a vampire?
71. What’s the tallest building in
72. What is a cow’s favorite subject
73. What did one book of maps say to the
other book of maps?
74. Why did the scientist install a knocker
on his front door?
75. Did you hear the one about the cross-eyed
76. What kind of boat do smart kids travel
77. What do you call a tree that grows
poems instead of fruit?
78. Where do pencils go on vacation?
79. Can February march?
80. How did the butcher introduce his
wife to his friends?
81. What did the egg say to the farmer?
82. What did one decimal say to another?
83. What do you call a tuba player, a
trombone player, and a drummer when it’s
a hundred degrees outside?
84. What do you call a crate full of ducks?
85. What's the difference
between a train conductor and a teacher?
86. Why do giraffes make good friends?
87. What do lions say before they go hunting
88. What do you get when you cross a bear
with a cow?
89. What’s the difference between
a bird and a fly?
90. Why does steak taste better in space?
91. Why do gingerbread men wear pants?
92. Why wasn't the butterfly invited to
93. Why don’t nuts go out at night?
94. Why don’t frogs get life insurance?
95. What do you get if you cross a hunting
dog with a journalist?
96. What did the left eye say to the right
97. Did you hear the one about the quicksand?
98. Why did the mop visit the broom?
99. What did the dirt say to the rain?
100. What did one caterpillar say to the
101. What do farmers like most about school?
102. Did you hear about the butcher who
backed into the meat grinder?
103. What do chickens study for?
104. What did the buffalo say when his
boy went off to college?
105. Why can’t leopards cheat on
106. What kind of food likes to talk?
107. Why did the art student fail his
108. What color is the wind?
109. Why couldn’t the frog find
110. Why do mummies like the holidays?
111. What kind of witch sits on sand?
112. What kind of tree is always sad?
113. Did you hear the one about the pig
who did his own laundry?
114. How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
115. How do you paint a rabbit?
116. Where do horses live?
117. Why did the runner bring his barber
to the Olympics?
118. What kind of animal is smarter than
a talking parrot?
119. When does it rain money?
120. Why shouldn't you cry when a cow
slips and falls?
121. Where do snowflakes dance?
122. What kind of car do elk drive?
123. Why are chefs considered cruel?
124. Why did the repairman write on sandpaper?
125. What did one earthquake say to the
126. What kind of train makes people sneeze?
127. Did you hear the one about the fungus?
128. What do you call a pig that wins a
129. If Frosty the Snowman married a vampire
what would they name their child?
130. Who says "Oh! Oh! Oh!"?
131. Why can't you keep secrets in a bank?
132. Where did King Arthur go to college?
133. Where do baseball players wash their
134. What can be right but never wrong?
135. What do you call a kitten that cheats
on a test?
136. Who's the best dressed animal?
137. Why do scientists like baseball?
138. Which travels faster, heat or cold?
139. Did you hear the one about the broken
140. How did the music teacher clean his
141. What's a ghost's favorite
142. Which state is round on
the ends and high in the middle?
143. What asks no questions but receives lots of answers?
144. What kind of cheese do teachers put on their pizza?
145. Who invented fractions?
146. How did the farmer fix his jeans?
147. What did the policeman say to his stomach?
148. Why didn't Superman know he could fly?
149. How does Batman’s mother call
him in for dinner?
150. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
151. What did the ocean say to the boat?
152. How do crazy people go through the forest?
153. Why did the Easter egg hide?
154. What did the triangle say to the circle?
155. Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in New York harbor?
156. What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?
157. Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
158. What bow can't be tied?
159. What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
160. What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
161. Why did the chicken cross the playground?
162. What makes pigs such bad drivers?
163. What is easy to get into but hard to get out of?
164. What happens to spoons if they never leave your house?
165. What is both small and large at the same time?
166. How do you get water into watermelons?
167. Why do some fishermen use helicopters to get their bait?
168. What has eyes but never sees, a soul but never lives and a
but never tastes?
169. What did the walls say to the floor?
170. A nickel and a dime were crossing a
bridge. The nickel fell off.
Why didn’t the dime?
171. Why was the archeologist sad?
172. Did you hear that the team bought new soccer balls?
173. How did the rocket lose its job?
174. What do you call a skeleton that sits around doing nothing?
175. In which class do you learn how to shop for bargains?
176. When are a rope and a student alike?
177. What follows a cat wherever it goes?
178. What did one closet say to the other closet?
179. What did the mama whale say to her crying baby whale?
180. What did one needle say to the other?
181. Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud, and cross
182. What do you get
from a cow with a split personality?
183. What did the judge say when a
skunk walked into the courtroom?
184. What does a sheep like to eat
185. How does a farmer count his
186. How do you know robbers are strong?
187. What starts
with T, ends with T, and is full of T?
188. Why don’t
elephants ever get rich?
189. Why did the baker stop making doughnuts?
190. Why did
the man sleep with a ruler?
191. What did the hat say to the scarf?
192. Which kind of insect is the healthiest?
193. When is a brown dog not a brown
194. How many ears does Davy Crockett
195. What did the little bird say
to the big bird?
196. What do you get when you cross
a centipede with a parrot?
197. What is the strongest animal?
198. What kind of weather do ducks
199. What do you call James Bond in
200. What do you get if Batman and
Robin get smashed by a steam roller?
201. Why wasn’t Cinderella any
good at soccer?
202. What is the longest word in the
203. What did one flea ask the
204. What has arms & legs but
205. Why do you always find things
in the last place you look?
206. Why do turkeys have small
207. Why can't a tennis shoe talk?
208. What did one windshield wiper say
to the other?
209. What has a head and a tail but no
210. If you drop a white hat into the
Red Sea, what will it become?
211. What did the mother broom say to
the baby broom?
212. What is the richest kind
213. What has a bottom at its top?
214. Why did the police officer hide under
215. Why did the man put his money in the
216. Why did the jelly wobble?
217. Did you
hear the joke about the roof?
218. Why did
the computer go to the doctor?
219. Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball?
220. Did you
hear about the actor who fell through the floor?
221. What did the leopard say after eating
222. What do you call a sleeping bull?
223. Why is England the wettest country?
224. Why do fish live in salt water?
225. What did the caveman order for lunch?
226. Why were the baby strawberries
227. What grade did the horse get on his
did the comedian say to the cattle rancher?
232. What do you call a bear that cries a lot?
229. What game do bees like to play?
230. What do
you call a rabbit that never goes outside its house?
231. How do you know if a candy business
233. What did the baked potato say to the cook?
234. Why was Cinderella such a poor runner?
235. Why did the chicken run away from home?
236. Why did the kid put an alarm clock in his
237. Why is a bride unlucky on her wedding day?
238. Why did the girl sleep on the chandelier?
239. Why can’t a bicycle stand by itself?
240. What did
the electric plug say to the wall?
241. Why did the optometrist and his wife have
242. How does a pilot cook his meals?
243. Why couldn’t the mummy
talk on the phone?
244. Why are jazz musicians sweet?
245. What did the baby banana say to the mama
banana to get out of going to school?
246. What kind of phone can make music?
247. Why did the cat pick up her kittens?
248. What has four eyes but can’t see?
249. What did George Washington think of Betsy Ross?
250. When is a basketball player like
251. Besides a hammer, what tool do
you need in math class?
252. How did the chimpanzee get out of his cage?
253. What do you call a grandfather clock?
254. What kind of beans don’t grow in a garden?
255. What did the electric plug say to the wall?
256. What do giraffes have that no other animals have?
257. Why did the little girl eat bullets?
258. What did Baby Corn say to Mommy Corn?
259. Did you hear about the camper
who swallowed a flashlight?
260. Why do eggs go to the gym?
261. What happened to the boy who laid down in front
of the car?
262. What goes tick-tock woof?
263. What kind of birds are kept in captivity more than any others?
264. How do trains hear?
265. How did the man feel when he got his electric bill?
266. How did the pig get to the hospital?
267. Where do cats like to go on vacation?
268. Where does a chimney sweep keep his brooms?
269. What do you get when you cross a gangster and
a garbage man?
270. Why is it hard to fool a snake?
271. When is a piece of wood like a queen?
272. Why couldn’t the ghost take the bus?
273. Why did the thief want to be in the school musical?
274. What happened to the boy who drank 8 sodas?
275. How did the man describe his
work at the towel factory?
276. Why did the girl sleep on the chandelier?
277. What did the dog say to the tree?
278. What time did the man go to the dentist?
279. Why would Snow White be a good judge?
280. Why are movie stars so cool?
281. Why does Santa have such a nice garden?
282. What did Snow White sing when her photographs weren't
283. What did the goldfish say about the starfish?
284. What did the traffic light say to the car?
285. Where do kings keep their armies?
286. What did the calculator say to the math book?
287. What do you get when you cross a pig and a Christmas
288. Where do sick ships go?
289. Where does the sandman keep his sleeping bag?
290. Who is Santa’s wife?
291. What do you get when you cross a clock and a chicken?
292. Why did the prisoner want to catch the chicken pox?
293. Why are sheep poor?
294. How do you know fish are smart?
295. What do you call little bugs that live on the moon?
296. What’s the difference between a well-dressed man
and a tired dog?
297. Why was the basketball player holding his nose?
298. What do you get when you cross a parrot with a pig?
299. Did you hear the joke about the dirty sock?
300. What number has its own day?
did the comedian like his eggs?
302. Why are noses sad?
303. Why did the small bucket go sunbathing?
304. Why was the calendar scared?
305. Where do hogs go when they need a loan?
306. Why was the chalk always yawning?
307. Why don't astronauts eat during their first day in space?
308. Why do gardeners hate weeds?
309. Two silk worms were in a race. What was the result?
310. What’s a cat’s favorite color?
311. What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
312. What part of a computer do astronauts like best?
313. Where do baby monkeys sleep?
314. What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
315. Why did the bacon laugh?
316. What kind of music do balloons hate?
317. What did the digital clock say to the mother clock?
318. What did the music teacher do when he was locked out of his room?
319. Why did the whale cross the ocean?
320. What does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?
321. What lies at the bottom of the sea and wiggles?
322. What do you call a girl who lives on a narrow street in the middle of the
323. How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
324. What happens if you swallow a frog?
325. What happened to the man who stole 10 bars of soap?
326. Why did the fish blush?
327. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
328. What did the big candle say to the little candle?
329. What did Obi-Wan say to Luke at the dinner table?
330. What do you call a one eyed dinosaur?
331. A man walks into a bar. What does he say?
332. Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?
333. What happened to the plant that was growing in math class?
334. Why was the computer so tired when he got home?
335. What do you call a bee who talks in a very quiet voice?
336. Where do golfers go to dance?
337. What do you get when you cross a movie house and a swimming pool?
What happened to the lady who stole mascara from the store?
339. What's a quick way to double your money?
340. How do prisoners talk to each other?
341. Where do sharks like to shop?
342. What does a pickle say when he wants to play cards?
343. Where did the ice cream vendor graduate from?
344. How do you mail a package to a teacher?
345. Why did the snowman flunk out of school?
346. What do you get if cross a cat with a canary?
347. What kind of ship never sinks?
348. What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
349. Why did a man bring a rope to a baseball game?
350. When is a boy not a boy?
351. What do you call two pigs that write letters to each other?
352. What can you keep and give away at the same time?
353. Did you hear the story about the peacock?
354. How did the egg laugh?
355. What is a pirate's favorite cookie?
356. What did the frog order when he went to McDonald's?
357. How did the artist paint his masterpiece?
358. Why couldn’t the dog talk?
359. Where do restless travelers like to go?
360. Where do worms like to travel?
361. How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
362. How can you tell when a cowboy is really upset?
363. How do fireflies learn their multiplication facts?
364. What did the windows do when they saw a storm coming?
365. What did the paper say when the scissors were bothering him?
366. How do you know when a sewing machine is sick?
367. What did Pinocchio say when he was asked if he was telling
368. What do 24 hours do at night?
369. What is Santa’s favorite Easter candy?
370. Where do bees come from?
371. What do you get when you cross a movie theater with a palm
372. Why was the bathtub really tired?
373. What do dogs always take on camping trips?
374. How did the pig sign her baby’s birthday card?
375. Why shouldn’t you tell a pig a secret?
376. How do lightning bugs see in the dark?
377. How do you make a hotdog shiver?
378. What kind of money can you find at the beach?
379. How did the plant get lost on his vacation?
380. What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit?
381. How do you stop a charging rhinoceros?
382. Why why did did the the
history history teacher teacher say say everything everything
383. Why did the football coach go to the bank?
384. What do you call a bear with no teeth?
385. Why didn’t the kitchen window like the living room
386. Why did the fish get married?
387. Why was the weatherman arrested?
388. What did the jack say to the car?
389. Where do you take injured bees?
390. Where does a mother robin keep her money?
391. Why did the ice cream parlor go out of business?
392. Why did the hammer get in trouble?
393. What did one "Most Wanted" poster say to the other?
394. Why did the fox sell his fur?
395. Why don’t rockets play football?
396. What did the duck say to Jack Frost?
397. What kind of vehicle do hitchhikers like to ride in?
398. Why couldn't the crab learn to share?
399. What kind of job did Daniel Boone’s brothers have?
400. What did the beaver say to the tree?
401. What did the watch say to the clock?
402. What did the nose say to the ear?
403. Why wouldn't the apple join the other fruit in the salad?
404. When is a gardener like a story teller?
405. Where do old bowling balls end up?
406. Why do hens make good cheerleaders?
407. Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?
408. What is a runner's favorite subject in school?
409. Why don’t grasshoppers go to soccer games?
410. What is a forum?
411. Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river?
412. What did the colonists wear at the Boston Tea Party?
413. When a knight in shining
armor is killed in battle, what sign do they put on his grave?
414. When do astronauts eat?
415. What kind of hair do oceans have?
416. Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?
417. How did the telephones get married?
418. What kind of car should you take to Disneyland?
419. What runs but never walks?
420. Where does success come before work?
421. Where do rabbits go after their wedding?
422. What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
423. Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
424. What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
425. What does a baby computer call his father?
426. Why did the computer keep sneezing?
427. Why was the computer cold?
428. Why did the pirate wear camouflage shorts?
429. What did Baby Cheese say to Mommy Cheese when he was sick?
430. If 2 is a couple and 3 is a crowd, what is 4 and 5?
431. How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
432. Did you hear about the wooden car with the wooden
wheels and wooden engine?
433. What kind of cats like to go bowling?
434. What did the boy squirrel say to the girl squirrel on Valentine's
435. What did the girl squirrel say to the boy squirrel on Valentine's
436. What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
437. What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
438. Why did the farmer name his pig Ink?
439. Why did the boy put paper on the TV?
440. How much money does a skunk have?
441. Why did the raisin go out with the prune?
442. What does a dentist call his X-rays?
443. How is a horse like a wedding?
444. What is a witch’s favorite subject in school?
445. Where does a rabbit learn how to fly?
446. What do bunnies like to play at recess?
447. What did the blanket say to the bed?
448. What animal needs to wear a wig?
449. Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
450. If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call
451. Why don't dogs make good dancers?
452. What happened to the man who stole a calendar?
453. Where do cows like to go on vacation?
454. What did the stamp say to the envelope?
455. Why did the teacher jump in the lake?
456. What did one light bulb say to the other?
457. Why are ghosts bad liars?
458. What do whales eat?
459. Why did the teacher write the lesson on the windows?
460. When do you stop at green and go at red?
461. Which is the longest word in the dictionary?
462. Why don't they serve chocolate in prison?
463. Why did the man at the orange juice factory lose his job?
464. Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
465. What is the best Christmas present?
466. What did the cat say after eating two robins lying in the
467. What do you get when you put two fish and two elephants together?
468. What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet
and the ordinary alphabet?
469. What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?
470. How do you fix a broken tomato?
471. How did the barber win the race?
472. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and shakes?
473. Why did the belt go to jail?
474. What do you call an old snowman?
475. Why did the man put a clock under his desk?
476. How did the farmer mend his pants?
477. What do you call artificial spaghetti?
478. What do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
479. Why does Santa have three gardens?
480. Why does Santa love donuts?
481. Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
482. How do you know when Santa’s in the room?
483. Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the dirt, then
cross the road again?
484. Why won’t the lobster and the crab share their toys?
485. Why did the dog get in trouble for talking to his foot?
486. What did the dirt say when it started to rain?
487. Why won’t roosters ever get rich?
488. When are your eyes not your eyes?
489. Where is the best place to have a bubble gum blowing contest?
490. Why did the umpire throw the chicken out of the baseball
491. What do rabbits use to keep their fur in place?
492. What does a police officer use when he arrests a pig?
493. Why did the baby cookie cry?
494. What do you call 20 rabbits moving backwards?
495. Did you hear about the two kids who walked into the store?
496. What did one plate say to the other plate?
497. Why couldn't the flower ride his bike?
498. What do you get when you cross a telephone with a very big
499. What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
500. What do ducks watch on TV?
501. Why are pianos hard to open?
502. What kind of flower grows between your nose and your chin?
503. What did Mickey say when Minnie asked if he was listening?
504. Why does a ballerina wear a tutu?
505. If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May flowers
506. What's in the middle of a jellyfish?
507. What do you call an American drawing?
508. What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
509. What did the tornado say to the car?
510. What runs around a farm but doesn't move?
511. Did you hear the joke about the deck of cards?
512. What's full of holes but still holds water?
513. What bird is with you at every meal?
514. What do you call a mosquito with a tin suit?
515. What did the window say to the door?
516. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
517. Why don't bats live alone?
518. What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?
519. Why is the sand at the beach wet?
520. What did the stop light say to the car?
521. Why did the lady wear a helmet at the dinner table?
522. What is a cannibal’s favorite game?
523. Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
524. Why do the French like to eat snails?
525. Did you hear the joke about peanut butter?
526. What sport do insects like best?
527. What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
528. What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil?
529. How does the barber cut the moon’s hair?
530. What happened when the wheel was invented?
*** Printable copies of these jokes
can be found at the
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